Among the twisting warrenish byways of social media, perhaps none is so impertinent as the local forums that now obtain in just about every locality in the country. I’m talking about regional subreddits, NextDoor, local groups on Facebook—the places where people congregate on the basis of very specific localized geography. These outlets can be useful at rare times; for the most part they are mostly like the rest of social media, consisting largely of grumps and grouses and cranky complaining and useless posts that don’t add anything to your life except wasted time. You know what is infinitely, incalculably better than social media? Real life. That’s as true at the local level as at the macro one. Get off social media! I can’t keep stressing this enough.
Some of the most reliable posts on these local forums always spring up from about June 30 to July 5 every year, and they always look something like this:
Subject: PLEASE don’t do fireworks this year - message from a dog owner
Every year people set off a ton of fireworks in our area. And every year our 7-year-old dog Mylanta is freaked out beyond belief. We’ve gotten doggie trazodone for her in the past and we’ve maxed her out on it, but it’s never enough. She hides under our bed and whines all night. She was a rescue dog and we think she suffered trauma/abuse at some point. Do you have to set off fireworks?? Can’t you just light a candle or throw a frisbee instead? PLEASE think of dog owners this year and do something else.
I just want to throw the gauntlet here and now: Nobody cares that your dog is afraid of fireworks. Seriously. Nobody does. I understand it might hurt to hear that. It’s harsh. It’s difficult to learn that something you care about so much means absolutely nothing to anybody else. But it’s true. In the great catalogue of people’s cares, your pet’s reaction to a yearly fireworks celebration is so far down the list as to be nonexistent. It’s just the way it is.
I mean look: Do people want your dog to be afraid of fireworks? No. Are they happy that your dog is afraid of fireworks? No. We’re not sadist here. We just don’t care. Why don’t we care? Because setting fireworks off is fun, it happens once a year, it’s civically meaningful—and your dog’s anxiety is extremely low on the list of things that might counteract any of these factors. You just have to tally everything up on a Pros and Cons rundown and decide what wins out here. There are a fair number of important Pros to fireworks, and the only Con, at least in this context, is that your dog is wigged out for a few hours once every 52 weeks. The tradeoff is so easy here.
Again, this isn’t a matter of being flippant, not really. If we could wave a magic wand to solve problems without incurring any associated costs, I’m sure we’d happily cure your dog of his bug-eyed, panting reaction to fireworks. But we can’t do that. And I’m sorry but the truth is we’re not going to stop doing fireworks.
I mean think if you got your wish, and decades from now people talked like this: “Yeah, in this country people used to shoot off these really neat, explosive fire-shows in celebration of the unbelievable birth story of this country. You’d light a fuse and run away and then this little cardboard package would explode with these beautiful lights and sounds and fire, and it was all part of this glorious commemoration of the time a bunch of farmers and tradesmen led a successful revolt against the most powerful empire the world had ever known. It was amazing. But some dogs were scared of the noise so Americans stopped doing that. It hasn’t really been done for decades now.” Ugh, just imagine how pathetic you’d feel even saying that, how un-American and neutered.
We’re sorry that your dog is upset. Seriously. Obviously any normal, sane, decent person would prefer the sum total of suffering in the world to be reduced whenever possible. But an anxious dog is simply not a high or even middling priority for most people. Your dog will be fine, trust me. There’s no reason to worry about him. So stop trying to bring an end to fireworks. They’re a fun and important part of our country’s precious heritage and a nervous dog doesn’t merit their cancellation.